I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize