Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
