when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
whose parrot is this?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
