WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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