I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
