Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
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I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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