yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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