my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
