were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
