when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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