i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
