maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
