Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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