my mouth tastes like poor choices
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
