I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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