What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
