I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
