my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Randomize
