She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Sober January is a disaster.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
