I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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