girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
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I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
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WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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