I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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