When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
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The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I supernannyed him into submission
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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