PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
