Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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