So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
