Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
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airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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