Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
3 2 1 whiskey
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
