if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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