i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize