She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
