stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize