just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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