OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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