seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
