One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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