Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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