why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
