Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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