My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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