I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So squirting runs in the family.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
