I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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