Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
