we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
