Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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