I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
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Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
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I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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