She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
