remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
