so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we made out on top of his cat.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
