Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
tell me about the eggs
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