ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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