I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
At least life still wants to fuck me.