This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
pop tarts are not kleenex
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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