I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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