I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
