you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
