dude i'm inner monologue high
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
